Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I have no idea how to interact peacefully with my mother, but tonight I know that it is certainly not my fault. This is because she, like many people, treats love like a perverse game. If she shows anyone kindness, she feels allowed to then show them cruelty and resentment that they do not deserve. She is a passive aggressive. She cannot deal with any of her problems head-on, so she lashes out at other targets. This has been my whole existence living with her. I've had to pay for the abuse from her father, my own father and my older, more rebellious brother. This is my cross to bear and it is misery. But what can I do? She is my mother. She is toxic to me, but I am compelled by morality and instinct to be there for her in some capacity.
I was disgusted tonight as she gushed and gossiped about a little girl who is friends with my mother's niece. She relished the fact that this little white girl has become rebellious and is now chastised by her family. Its so disturbing and ignorant and hateful. All of it. The notion of anyone not being allowed to be imperfect, especially a child. And such awful racial prejudice being applied to a child who you were facetiously kind to is ... ugh, embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for my mother. She is so wicked and stupid, but she makes no effort to change because she is embarrassed and so stubborn. My heart bleeds for people so flawed. Do you see how all of these psychological issues, these "sins of the father", pass down and harm a child?
I really don't want to have children while I'm young. My parents did this and it stunted their emotional and personal growth more than I think it should have. Of course they gained so much more by being parents, but they are so far from the parents they wanted to be, it saddens and places guilt on to myself, the child. Being so close in age to my parents, I feel all of this competitive aggression against me. My mother tries to be more fashionable and artistic than I am, like a jealous sister. My father is obsessed with his physical condition and having more vitality than I do. He recently "playfully" tried to box with me while on we in New York to bury his father. He has some underlying need to beat me or at least, be a worthy opponent for me. Its all too much to deal with when trying to bond with them. I hope it all settles in their old age. I wish I was raised by two parent who loved each other and had gained wisdom about the world. I was a child raised by children.
I was disgusted tonight as she gushed and gossiped about a little girl who is friends with my mother's niece. She relished the fact that this little white girl has become rebellious and is now chastised by her family. Its so disturbing and ignorant and hateful. All of it. The notion of anyone not being allowed to be imperfect, especially a child. And such awful racial prejudice being applied to a child who you were facetiously kind to is ... ugh, embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for my mother. She is so wicked and stupid, but she makes no effort to change because she is embarrassed and so stubborn. My heart bleeds for people so flawed. Do you see how all of these psychological issues, these "sins of the father", pass down and harm a child?
I really don't want to have children while I'm young. My parents did this and it stunted their emotional and personal growth more than I think it should have. Of course they gained so much more by being parents, but they are so far from the parents they wanted to be, it saddens and places guilt on to myself, the child. Being so close in age to my parents, I feel all of this competitive aggression against me. My mother tries to be more fashionable and artistic than I am, like a jealous sister. My father is obsessed with his physical condition and having more vitality than I do. He recently "playfully" tried to box with me while on we in New York to bury his father. He has some underlying need to beat me or at least, be a worthy opponent for me. Its all too much to deal with when trying to bond with them. I hope it all settles in their old age. I wish I was raised by two parent who loved each other and had gained wisdom about the world. I was a child raised by children.
On Urban Music
1. I realized why I hate modern rappers. They all speak in this contrived 70s player persona. The strained tone of voice, lazy delivery and obscenely hit-or-miss one-liners. Even Jay Z, forced to keep up in a young populist's game, has taken to this painfully corny style.
2. RnB to the new generation = sexually explicit lyrics over slowed down hip hop beats. I must be a person meant for fast, forceful sex because I hate the soft, slow shit. Drake is the hottest person in urban music aside from the MVP, Lil Wayne. I still love Lil Wayne, but his collaboration with Drake has been so unfruitful and so bland. Its a wise and seemingly liberating business move to make Drake his RnB sidekick. Drake is an exotic property to urban music: he's well-spoken, he's biracial, a former child actor, Canadian and he sings as much as he raps. But if Lil Wayne is interested in ever making great music again, he needs to work with the vastly more interesting and talented singers out there like The-Dream, Roscoe Dash or Trey Songz. These artists have no crossover "It" factor, but they are so much better at what they do. Roscoe Dash specializes in one type of song, but he OWNS that style. Lil Wayne has enough talent to make me think he really does this for the music. This era of rap has seen music become more of a business than an artform. And Drake fits this era perfectly. Lil Wayne has something timeless, but he shows it less and less. Their hold on the collective consciousness can't last must longer.
2. RnB to the new generation = sexually explicit lyrics over slowed down hip hop beats. I must be a person meant for fast, forceful sex because I hate the soft, slow shit. Drake is the hottest person in urban music aside from the MVP, Lil Wayne. I still love Lil Wayne, but his collaboration with Drake has been so unfruitful and so bland. Its a wise and seemingly liberating business move to make Drake his RnB sidekick. Drake is an exotic property to urban music: he's well-spoken, he's biracial, a former child actor, Canadian and he sings as much as he raps. But if Lil Wayne is interested in ever making great music again, he needs to work with the vastly more interesting and talented singers out there like The-Dream, Roscoe Dash or Trey Songz. These artists have no crossover "It" factor, but they are so much better at what they do. Roscoe Dash specializes in one type of song, but he OWNS that style. Lil Wayne has enough talent to make me think he really does this for the music. This era of rap has seen music become more of a business than an artform. And Drake fits this era perfectly. Lil Wayne has something timeless, but he shows it less and less. Their hold on the collective consciousness can't last must longer.
"Prosper" - Very rewarding track from A.Goff & Yung God, two budding rappers who have become unofficial disciples of Lil B. I know these guys have received flack for being so derivative of Lil B, but it is self admitted. They bring a fresh sound and updated worldview to the sound Lil B flirted with early in his career and has since abandoned completely, so I am very pleased that his hardcore fans have now created their own version of "based" music.
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